Here’s a recent story from a colleague:
I recently visited my step-mother. I don’t often enjoy our conversations because she does not leave much room for opinions or information other than her own. When in “conversation” with her I often feel irritated, shut-down, and happy that I live 3000 miles away from her. In the moment I am pissed off and feel like saying something mean back to her.

I’m very grateful to receive this honest story. I resonate with my colleagues’ experience – I have people in my own life that bring up similar emotions in me due to similar ways of communicating.

I’m very curious and “turned on” when I read stories like this.

I wonder “how can we relate to one another in ways which make it more fun to be together (or at least less awful 🙂 )?”

What I really long for in my relationships is a sense of connection.

I really don’t like the feeling of being disconnected or in tension with other people. It’s much more fun for me when there is a sense of togetherness even if it is very slight.

So I want to know how to create that sense of connection. That’s what I think about most of my day, every day (welcome to my brain).

I think about connection – What increases it and what decreases it.

In this story what I’d want is to be able to sit with my step-mother and get less pissed off at her. I’d want to be able to sit with her and feel either neutral feelings or even a sense of openness to her and, if I really let myself dream, I’d want to feel a sense of care for her.

So how?

Connection comes via empathy.

I give empathy to my step-mother and to myself.

Empathy to my step-mother

To my step-mother empathy is seeing the human being behind the behaviour that irritates me.

I do this after the fact when I’m calm in order to make it easier for myself (it’s almost impossible to do this while I’m triggered in the moment).

I bring those moments in the conversation to mind where I felt irritated or shut-down.

I take a breath because I want to support myself as I do this coz it’s not easy.

I remind myself why I’m doing this work – to make it more enjoyable/possible for me to be with my step-mother, to better our relationship hopefully for both of us.

I then consider what needs of hers she is really longing to meet in those moments. A needs list can be helpful (click here)

As my colleague reflected, “she is probably just needing to be heard”. Yes and keep going with that.

Perhaps she needs to be seen and expressing her opinion as she does is the only way she knows how. Perhaps she was raised in a house whereby that was the only way to be heard or the way that one or both of her parents communicated.

She probably also just really wants connection with me but just doesn’t know any other way to communicate. She probably is like this in all her relationships, which is sad because she probably struggles to really connect. Maybe she also wants to fit in/to belong and communicating as a parent telling their step-child the “right” or “wrong” thing to do is her way of belonging to a society that communicates in that same way. Maybe she also feels insecure and just wants to know that she has a place in my world.

The goal is not to be precise in my guesses, it is to think of the human being there and to open my heart to what might be going on in them underneath the surface.

Spend 5-10 minutes trying this now with someone in your life who communicates/behaves in ways that you find difficult.

Notice if there is any change in your feelings towards them.

Next part I will talk about giving empathy to ourselves in order to increase connection.