How can I hear another person's perspective about me (including judgements) without it being triggering for me?

So that we’re on the same page I’ll define triggering as feelings arise in me such as hurt, pain, contraction in the body, anger.

Why do we want to be able to hear another’s perspective of us (including judgements) without being triggered?

Because we want to stay in connection in with others. We want to stay together, as much as we can. So it’s useful for us to grow our ability to remain present without being triggered or if triggered to take action that cares for the connection.

Being triggered is natural

Being triggered is natural. No need to try to not get triggered. Our job is to notice as quickly as possible the moment that we are triggered so that we can take responsibility of what’s alive in us (‘what you said has triggered some hurt in me, the cause of which is something inside me”) and not blame the other person (“I’m feeling this hurt because of you”).

Hearing judgements about me from others that I really care about is REALLY REALLY difficult. I don’t enjoy it at all and I’d like to give some acknowledgement to how difficult it is.

When we hear jackal language (accusations, judgements, comparisons, demands) directed towards us it is very difficult to hear the other person’s needs underneath. We have to do a lot of work in order to hear the life (needs) that is underneath. It’s sad for me that most people don’t know how to speak giraffe (= express their needs in a way which ignites our desire to contribute to others’ well-being), we’ve forgotten.

Staying in connection in a triggering conversation

One thing that I can do when another person is sharing something with me and I hear judgments is to remind myself that behind every judgement is a human longing, a human need that the other person is longing to meet.

As I listen to them I let my attention go beneath their words and see what needs I notice:

I feel like you don’t listen to me = I long to be heard
You’re not capable of just acknowledging my perspective = I long for acknowledgement, I long for togetherness
Why do you have to make it about yourself = I long to be held, I long to be seen

When I do this I notice a compassion arising in me.

I find that this practice (of hearing the other person’s needs underneath their judgements) actually builds my resilience to stay in such a conversation without getting triggered or prolongs me becoming triggered.

Practice (solo): Hearing the need under the judgement

1. Think of a conversation you have with another person that tends to trigger you (i.e. it gives rise to hurt, pain, contraction etc. in you)
2. Write down 1-4 judgements they have of you or comments they make that tend to trigger you.
3. Taking one at a time, consider:
What need/s are alive in the other person when they say this? What is really important to them?
Look for the longing as opposed to an action that you will do. E.g I want to be heard and not I want you to listen to me now.
4. Notice any shifts in how you feel as you do this

This takes effort and practice and I like to make this effort because I value connection so much. I also like to be gentle on myself as I try to bring this compassionate way of communicating into my life. For me, sadly, it is not as automatic as I would like.