In the previous post (link here) I spoke about how to communicate with people who we might call obnoxious or abrasive.

What do you want from your relationships?

In general in my relationships I long for connection and authenticity.

I want to experience a connection with the other person while also being my authentic self. When I meet these two key needs - for connection and authenticity - my relationships are a source of well-being and joy.

So how do we stay in connection with people who stimulate difficulty in us while also being true to ourselves?

In the previous post I explored how to do so by putting our attention on the experience of the other person (their needs, emotions and beliefs). I called this giving them empathy.

In this post we'll explore giving ourselves empathy as a way of staying in connection with abrasive people.

Here is the story from the previous post:

I recently visited my step-mother. I don't often enjoy our conversations because she does not leave much room for opinions or information other than her own. When in "conversation" with her I often feel irritated, shut-down, and happy that I live 3000 miles away from her.

So let’s work with this…

Giving myself empathy

There are two times we can do this. In the moment when I’m talking with my step-mother or afterwards.

It's super difficult in my experience to do this in the moment when I'm triggered. I find it much easier and more supportive to give myself empathy after the conversation.

Here's a process you can follow. It's a mindfulness meditation really.

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Begin by bringing a difficult experience/conversation with this person to mind.

Go slow as you let the memory surface.

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Next, notice what is arising in your body. What sensations can you notice? A tension? An unease? What emotions arise? A sadness? Notice any resistance to what you are feeling. That is OK too. Let it all be there.

Take 20-30 seconds now to just notice what is alive in your body.

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Next, what needs of yours are you really wanting to meet in this conversation with this person?

To be really seen? So that your intentions and your experience will be noticed and even held?

Emotional safety? So that you will be safe and cared for and don’t need to fear or defend?

Balance and fairness? So the dialogue is two way and both of you have a place to listen and to express?

Take 60 seconds to sense what needs or longings are alive in you now as you recall this situation.

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You may like to take a few minutes to journal anything that arises in you.

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Why do we call people "abrasive" or "obnoxious"?

Our thoughts say "she is abrasive" but what is the deeper message our system is trying to communicate to us?

I think that it's "some of my important values aren't being met in my interactions with her and that's hard for me."

So really our system is asking us to give ourselves empathy by connecting with our deeper values/needs.

When we do this we will find that our entire system/body relaxes. This is our body's natural response to being heard and understood.

So this self-empathy meditation can be used anytime you are having difficulty with any one.

The more we practise it the better we become at it and the more able we are to calm our system down and have a better conversation next time.