Couples Therapy
Finding a stable and loving ground for relating.Couples Therapy
Finding a stable and loving ground for relating.
Hi, I’m Mike
I’m fascinated by human relationships. I’m particularly drawn to where relationships break down and conflict arises.
In intimate relationships I’ve always sensed that conflict is a temporary breakdown of the natural longing to love and be loved. Once the conflict can be attended to and processed, the flow of love can return to “run the show”.
So for the last 10 years I’ve studied and practised the art of communicating and relating.
I’m deeply passionate about helping couples find more harmony and closeness in their relationship.
Whether that’s to expand the sense of love and respect already present and/or repair fractures in the connection that are preventing the true valuing of one another to be expressed and received.
I’m truly grateful to be able to work so intimately with couples.
I’m extensively trained in a modality called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and received certification as a couples coach therapist in 2019.
I’m currently training in Transformative Couples Therapy (TCT), a body oriented and attachment based model for creating lasting transformation in a couple’s dynamic.
My dream is that our intimate relationships become sources of deep safety and growth that allow for us to blossom in our fullest self expression.
To do this we need to become skillful in how we relate. It’s not something we learnt at school. In fact, we are conditioned to do the opposite – to relate in ways which create conflict and distance or at best that lead to a sense of staleness or neutrality in the connection, which lacks the vibrancy of what we know an intimate relationship could be.
Clients share
What is Transformative Couples Therapy (TCT)?
Transformative Couples Therapy (TCT) has as its major goal – to help couples find a stable and loving ground for relating.
Some couples are going through a particularly difficult patch, others have fallen into a state of being together which feels unhealthy and unsustainable and others are looking to deepen and further embed a healthy state of relating to one another that allows them to thrive.
In TCT couples learn to say what they want with each other and let go of patterns of criticism.
We learn to move from wronging to longing. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with the other, we take responsibility for our own longings/wants and express these.
Feel in your body and notice any difference between:
“You don’t think enough about me”
“I really value it when you check in with me before making plans. It feels really supportive.”
For me, the first statement leads me to close and my defences come up. The second leads to a sense of openness in me whereby I can take in the message and sense my natural desire to care for my partner’s well being.
The way we communicate is crucial, and so is understanding the impact our words have on one another. We do this together in a supportive and caring way in our sessions.
We learn to regulate our emotional reactivity and emphasise the building of safety and understanding together.
What does a session actually feel like
The Focus is Affirmative
We will shift away from complaints (“wronging”) and focus on what you want to co-create in your relationship (“longing”). We start by asking what you want to experience with each other, rather than asking why you are here.
Communication is Direct
Our goal is to speak directly to your partner, eye-to-eye, even when responding to my questions. This is foreign for many couples and I will support you. We prioritize using I-statements to speak only of your own internal feelings, sensations, or thoughts, avoiding blame or criticism of your partner.
We Slow Down
I will frequently ask you to pause or slow down your pace of speech to increase safety and your capacity to absorb new experiences.
We Use the Whole Body
We focus on the felt, somatic (bodily) experience. We track subtle shifts in your body, using different “channels of experience” (like Sensation, Visual, and Auditory cues) to deepen understanding and connection. We deliberately notice and amplify small, positive moments of caring or softness between you.
Safety is Primary
Our first step is creating a secure base where love can spontaneously emerge. If one partner becomes very dysregulated, I will redirect them to speak to me to maintain safety in the room.
Reasons couples come to therapy
People might seek out couples therapy for a range of reasons.
It might be that you just want to invest in your relationship and improve what is, on the whole, a healthy and nourishing relationship. It is a misconception that something needs to be “wrong” in order to seek out therapy. I prefer the lens that couples therapy is like a gym or a yoga class. We go there to strengthen our bodies and increase mobility. Likewise we can go to couples therapy to strengthen our relationship and increase our ranges of motion inside the connection (to reach deeper and more fulfilling places).
Other couples might have fallen into a pattern of relating which feels unhealthy and unsustainable. This is very common. It might be destructive and harmful communication which might include emotional abuse, gaslighting, subtle or overt aspects of misogyny. It might be the experience of being In a deadlock whereby one or both couple members feel like they can’t say anything without offending the other
Or it might be a sense of lack of vitality and passion in the connection, like something has gone stale. This might show up as a lack of sexual desire for example. And if things aren’t attended to then the relationship won’t continue much longer.
Another reason couples turn to me is to help them overcome a particular challenge they are facing at the moment in their lives. This could be infidelity, loss of a child, the challenge of transitioning to parenthood together etc.
