As a society we use the term “good person” or “bad person” a lot.

I want to share why I don’t believe there are such things as good and bad people.

This came up with a client I was working with who wanted to tell me about some things they did which they are ashamed of but hesitated and said “I don’t want you to judge me as a bad person”.

So this is what I told him…

I don’t believe in bad people. I don’t actually know what that even means.

What I believe is that there are human beings and that in any given moment we are doing the very best that we can.

This includes those moments when we do things which lead to harm felt by another person, even serious harm.

The harm felt by another person in relation to our actions doesn’t render those actions nor us as bad or good. It just means that our actions led to harm, pain and hurt.

To me it is very clear that we are always doing the best we can.

I know a bit about human beings and why we do what we do. That’s my area of expertise and interest.

I know that at any given moment we might be overcome with our own pain and hurt, we might be deeply triggered, we might be in a difficult or very sensitive period in our lives, we might be in the midst of telling ourselves stories about how good or not good we are.

There are endless influences going on at any moment that affect how we are able to show up in that moment.

So this is the first thing I shared with him. This is about self-compassion - something that most of us (myself included) could do with a healthy dose of.

It’s self-compassion because it really sees me. It sees my side of things, my story, my experience and it treats me with softness and care.

Self-compassion gives me the resilience to then handle the second thing I told him…

The importance of seeing the impact of my actions.

With every action I take there is an impact, sometimes a painful one felt by the other person.

We are interdependent beings. Our happiness is affected by the actions of others. We can contribute to one another’s well being and we can detract from it.

So it is natural to feel pain or regret when I see that I did something which stimulated pain in another person. This is a sign that I am a sensitive and connected human being.

Many of us aren’t able to see our impact because we are often overwhelmed by our own guilt or shame such that we can’t glance outward at the other person and see their pain - we are too caught up in our own.

So this is what I see as the healing and natural process when it comes to actions I have taken which have led to hurt in another.

One, I treat myself with compassion and really find in me that place that knows that I did the very best that I could.

We might say to ourselves “I did the very best I could at that moment. I’m really sad though because I see how much pain was triggered as a result of my actions. And I don’t want to be the trigger of pain. I want the opposite - I want to care for this person and for our connection. And I can see all that and feel all that and also see that, regrettably, that was the best I could do. I really couldn’t do any better in that moment. If I could have done better I would have, because that’s what I want to do, but I just couldn’t.”

After this I look at the other person and look at their hurt and pain and own the fact that my actions led to that. This can be incredibly connecting and healing.

If at any time I notice that I feel guilt or shame arising in me (“I’m a terrible person, how could I?”) I go back to self-compassion. Because without self-compassion I don’t have the internal resilience to turn to the other person and connect with them. So self-compassion gives me the strength to be with another person in the way that I want to.

In short - when I do something which stimulates pain in another person. I start with self-compassion and then, when I can, I acknowledge and take responsibility for the hurt that has arisen in the other person.

Wondering whether this resonates with anyone? Or what comes up in you as you read this? I welcome all thoughts...